The Road to Loving Ourselves, Imperfections and All

Why is self-love so hard?

I wish I had a 100% solution to this problem right here. I'd be unstoppable....or maybe I should say I WILL be unstoppable. Anyways, it may be that we are constantly bombarded by the idea of how things are "supposed to be." I can tell you right now, if things were how they were "supposed to be," I'd have a house, a car, be financially stable, etc., by now. See how easily we get caught up in that? There are so many things that can get us down in the dumps.

These things are some of the triggers that may cause me to not talk so nicely to myself. It can get very depressing, very fast. Some days it’s harder than others to manage. If you have ADHD or any form of mental illness, I believe that plays a role in how deep we can get “in the dumps” compared to maybe a neurotypical person.

There’s Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and I’m just beginning to learn about it. It’s starting to sound like something else I’ve struggled with as I read more about it. According to the Cleveland Clinic, "Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is when you experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected" (Cleveland Clinic, n.d.). This might sound strange, but I feel like I can sense when people's energy changes, and I HIGHLY dislike it. I automatically think it’s something I did. I've started to ask for reassurance, and trust me, that actually helps more than some people realize.

I thought for so long that something was wrong with me. So much negative self-talk to work through over the years.

I imagine there are many things y’all struggle with too, as it varies for everyone, for all sorts of different reasons. While we may be "ADHD" or struggle with depression, or some other mental illness, our stories are all different.

The main point I want to highlight is that I think a lot of this can be rooted in trauma, abuse (physical/mental), and a variety of other things. We just have to recognize it, and change it so we can evolve into a better version of ourselves.

I can tell you that if the negative self-talk continues, you’re more likely to be where you are at this time next year, than if you decide to add a little positivity to your life. This is why I use positive affirmations.

I’ve created my own personal set of affirmations, and Self-Love is one of the themes because I know I need it. They’ve helped me on and off for over 6 years now, so I absolutely stand by them! When I “hear” that negative self-talk, it’s time to pull out those Self-Love positive affirmations and flip the script.

WE ARE WORTH IT!

Breaking Free From Your Inner Critic

When it comes to self-talk, it absolutely impacts self-love. If we’re talking to ourselves negatively, guess what’s going to happen? Our self-love, self-worth, and everything in between go wayyyyyy down. Or if someone is continuously talking down to you, you probably won’t feel worthy of love—especially from yourself. As Integris Health states, "Negative self-talk is not just about the occasional moments of self-doubt or criticism; it can become a relentless pattern of thinking that erodes your self-esteem and hinders your ability to achieve your goals" (Integris Health, 2024). I believe this wholeheartedly. It’s tough. Neurotypical people don’t fully understand the “fight” we have to have with our brains when it comes to stuff like this.

If we’re talking negatively about ourselves, then we probably don’t think highly of ourselves either. But through action, we can train our brains differently!

Let’s start flipping the narrative:

"Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?"
If your inner critic tells you that no matter what, you look like shit, tell it to fuck off and rock that shit. Sometimes, I gotta shut that inner voice up with a little swearing. Not gonna lie—it grabs MY attention. Hahaha.

Your progress means so much. It won’t be overnight. Hell, I’m still working on it, but small steps, y’all—small steps.

small, real steps toward self-love

Affirmations have been huge for me. Personally, I can’t do affirmations that say, "I am a goddess of radiance." (I’ll make them for you if you ask, though—they just aren’t my vibe. Haha.) I prefer ones like, "I am doing okay today, and that’s enough." Some days, that’s all we can do. When things get rough, I find I reach for those positive self-love affirmations a little more.

Find joy in life, whether that’s a cup of coffee (or your beverage of choice) from your favorite café, or watching your animals be silly (my cats keep me highly entertained), or getting cozy in jammies with a good book. Find the small joys in life and go with them.

You can also set boundaries with yourself. If you tend to stand in the mirror and point out your flaws, tell yourself, "No one’s got time for that negativity. Tell yourself you look hot, pretty, handsome, and walk away from that mirror."

There’s no time to dwell on flaws—because guess what? We’ll miss the whole damn life. Don’t do that to yourself. We can do this!

The role of forgiveness

I think part of self-love and self-worth is forgiving yourself for past mistakes. You can’t keep lingering on something from years ago that can’t be changed. You’ve got to accept and forgive yourself so you can move on. Owen Clinic explains, "By letting go of guilt, shame, and self-criticism, you open the door to a more compassionate relationship with yourself" (Owen Clinic, n.d.). I agree. I’ve had my own journey where I couldn’t keep dwelling on past mistakes. I had to let that shit go. What’s the point in holding onto something that can’t be changed, even if we feel embarrassed about it now?

If it’s within your means, forgiving others is important too. I can’t say much about that—it’s personal for each person. I’ve had to forgive myself and even ask for forgiveness. Whether or not others give it to me is up to them, but I’ve done what I can on my end.

It’s a day-by-day thing. It’s not going to happen overnight. Trust me, I wish it would. We are HUMAN, and, as I’ve said before, not perfect. All we can do is keep going!

Celebrate the wins

I cannot say this enough: Even if you think your "win" is small, celebrate that shit! Whether it’s something as simple as getting yourself into the shower or doing a load of laundry, that’s a WIN! Maybe you planted those flowers you’ve been meaning to or started taking the small steps toward a business you’ve been wanting to launch? WIN! Maybe that last one’s just me, but still, I think everything should be celebrated.

When we notice our small wins, we’re looking for the positive, not the negative. You can’t say, "Uhhh, all I did was get in the shower." Instead, say, "Fuck yeah, got in the shower today!" Trust me, some days, that’s a big win.

And side note: If you have trouble showering or doing basic activities. Try doing them with a significant other, get in the shower with them. Make sure you are respecting their boundaries as well. I’m not sure if it’s called "body doubling," but yeah, it works better than anything else ever has for me.

When we notice those small wins, we create bigger wins. At least that’s how I see it, but I’m sticking with it!

loving ourselves one day at a time

Self-love isn’t going to happen in the blink of an eye. It’s something we’ve got to practice daily. We need to show up for ourselves on the tough days to get to the better ones. Showing up doesn’t mean doing "all the things." It means knowing there are better days ahead. We’ve got to fight for it sometimes, but those days are coming.

I love y’all!

What’s your favorite self-care/self-love ritual on those not-so-great days? Share in the comments or on Instagram @shiftingthruchaos.

Citations