Self-Diagnosing Myself Shifted Everything

After someone close to me was diagnosed, I dove into researching everything I could about ADHD. I've always enjoyed learning about mental health and how to progress and be a somewhat functioning adult in society.​

About two months into my research, things started clicking in my brain—going all the way back to my childhood. A lot of it ties into my self-esteem. And oooh, that's fun at almost 40 years old.​

"Women with undiagnosed ADHD often experience shame, low self-esteem, and develop maladaptive coping behaviors due to societal expectations and internalized symptoms" (Wachsman, 2023).​

When I found this article, I 100% felt a lot of that. Some of the social stuff may be because we lived in the middle of nowhere, and my dad wasn't the biggest fan of people, but just everything. I hate being angry. I dislike that I let myself get like that. I know it's my ADHD, but others shouldn't have to suffer because I'm unwilling to figure my shit out.​

I want to be the best version of myself without masking, and while I don't have a formal diagnosis, I can attest that my mental health has gotten better since I've started using practices to help myself and not stay in a recurring loop of "Why am I not good enough? Why can't I just 'get it'?" and so on and so forth. One day I plan to get diagnosed, but until then, this is just my story and what I've accomplished.

Did I Ever Really Know Myself?

Honestly, I don't even know if I truly knew myself. I was already in the process of "finding myself" at the time I started researching ADHD, but looking back to my early adulthood years, I don't think I really knew who I was AT ALL.​

I can't pinpoint anything specific that I would say, "Oh, that's me." I can think of all the negatives: lazy, forgetful, irritable, sad, a bad mom, and so on. Can I think of anything at that time that could have been a positive? Not really. I may now, but that would get us off topic. Haha.​

ADHD isn't who I am, even though it explains a good portion of me. It just happens to be a missing puzzle piece that was found and completes a bit more of the picture. There will always be negative things; it's just how we work through them and if we want to help ourselves. That has to be your choice as well. I can't make that for you; no one can but you.

The Beautiful Mess of the ADHD Journey

When I started researching ADHD, I came across this video about the five stages people go through after learning they have it. ADDitude.com breaks it down as:

1. Excitement/Relief

2. Investigation

3. Frustration

4. Acceptance

5. Application (Pellegrini, 2022)

At first, I thought, "No way I’ll get frustrated." HA. I was definitely proved wrong. And honestly, the phases didn’t come in that order for me either. My anger showed up during the "application" phase. Not a wild rage kinda anger, but that kind of anger where you're just pissed it took this long.

It hasn’t been easy. I still have my rough days. But since I started using tools that work for my brain—like body-doubling, breaking tasks by energy levels, and using affirmations—things have improved. I even put affirmations on mine and my coworker’s to-do list so we both see them daily. I carry my own affirmation cards with me too. They’re like my little lifelines.

Embracing Growth While Navigating ADHD

ADHD has taught me that my brain is just wired differently. Forcing myself to do something, when it's been one of those days, will cause me to burnout faster and then my emotions as I've gotten older have gotten "so fun." 

Also, giving myself permission to rest. I always thought I was lazy (mostly while I was extremely depressed.) Always down on myself, because I wasn't hanging out with people, I wasn't doing anything. Now that I'm in a different and healthier state of mind. I've had to teach myself to not get overwhelmed and think that I'm a terrible person, when I just need to rest. No matter what that looks like to you. For me, sometimes it's a movie and relaxing after a stressful day, or hopping in the bath with the computer and the iPad for an hour or so. 

There are definitely many things that ADHD taught me about myself, so sometimes I consider it a strength. I think some of my imagination comes from it, my love for writing (it's something I've been consistent with for 25+ years). Finding the things you want to do in life, work and home. 

I want to work where I can see myself retiring from. I don't want to bounce around. Which is why I continue to learn and to search for where I want to progress in life. I have to, I've already failed a lot of times when the jobs weren't the "right" fit. 

Because I know this, I have faith that I WILL succeed. 

If You're Just Starting Out (Don't Worry)

This won’t happen overnight. Trust me, I wanted it to. I still want it to some days, but self-discovery takes time.

When I first started this journey around 6 or so years ago, I didn’t have the self-worth or self-love that I do now. Affirmations were my go-to after my friend introduced me to them. I was that person that was standing in front of the mirror and told myself, “I am beautiful. I am worth loving. I am not alone.” Was it hard at first? Yep. Did I need it? Absolutely. And there are days that I still do.

If you have a rough day—or even a rough week—don’t give up on yourself. Don’t say, “Well, this is just who I am.” Stop that right now. Seriously. It takes work. It takes building habits that come naturally to others. But you’ve got this. I believe in you, even if we’ve never met.

If you’re in a relationship, make room for accountability. Apologize when you snap. Mental health isn’t an excuse to hurt other people. Trust me, I’ve been that person in the past. And I never want to be again.

And most importantly: find your people. Whether it's your partner, friends, or coworkers—find your support system. Those people that you know won't judge. My anxiety used to be so bad, I needed someone to remind me just to breathe. They helped create a habit I now do instinctively. That’s the kind of support that changes things.

This Is Just the Beginning

I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t pretend to. But I do know this: self-growth is messy, but it can also be powerful. You will discover negative traits about yourself. It's okay, that’s part of the process. Let it happen. If you don’t, you risk staying stuck where you are. Do you want that? I know that I don't want that. 

The more I’ve come to know myself, the easier it’s been to work with my brain instead of against it. And working against it? Been there and I AM NOT going back.

Once I started telling myself, “I’m not broken—just wired differently,” it changed everything. You’re not broken either. You’re just taking a more colorful, chaotic path. And that’s okay.

You don’t need to fix yourself. You just need different tools. And guess what? You’ve totally got this.