Y'all I know it's been pretty dang quiet around here. I've been going thru a lot in the past couple weeks; I was sick for 2 weeks, then in the ER (unrelated incidences), amongst trying to figure out how to get out of the funk that I am currently in (and find incredibly irritating), and find a better paying job to be able to do the things I NEED to do. It's breaking me. All around stressful and just a-fucking lot, ya feel me?
I am trying to be better. I want to be better. I am thinking of all the possibilities to do what I need to be able to be a functioning-fucking-adult in this day and age.
My brain feels like it is CONSTANTLY going. It never stops, there's no quiet. It's loud. I'm thinking of good things too, how to better myself and accomplish the things that I need to accomplish. I AM NOT giving up on Shifting thru Chaos. AT ALL! It's something I've worked hard to build and have knowledge that I did not have before. Anyways...
I want you to know that I do not plan on going anywhere, just dealing with some big stuff at the moment and that I am trying to show up like I know that I can.
I highly doubt that I am the only one experiencing these types of things, so that's why I am here.
The Feeling of Being Lost
I feel lost. I am going to try and explain the feeling to the best of my ability.
I started my "working" journey later in 2020, not a bad job, just hard on my body. Couple other jobs that were the same. Then I had a fancy job. It could have been a beautiful job I could have retired from, nope...brain (I) ruined that (granted I didn't know anything about ADHD at the time). I have been working at the job after that one for 2 years. I love it! I love the people I have met. Problem is, I cannot survive on the income and can't even get out of town to go see my daughter. It feels like it is breaking me. I don't want to go to the mines. I hear about all sorts of drama and those big ass trucks, while they look fun, are going to put me in a rascal far earlier than I want to be. My body is doing it's own thing. Hard labor as a child, woo! Haha. This town was built for hard laborers, my body won't let me be one anymore. It sucks. It really does.
My other thing is a car. I HATE not having one, no one but ME to blame for that one. I don't like to ask for help and look where that got me. Fuck. LOL. I don't dwell on it all the time, but when life revolves around these things, especially when I'm 2 hours from the closest city and 4 hours from my baby, it get's hard not to focus on it sometimes.
I don't know where to start other than I've been applying for jobs for the past 6 months and working on Shifting thru Chaos. StC has stayed pretty consistent, while the job hunt still continues on. It's part of the time we live in. It just is.
While it's a pain in the ass, it's a part of growth. I've been learning to feel the feelings, getting at least thru it for now and moving forward. I do not plan to always be in the situation that I am, It's just how life is right now and even though it's irritating, things happen for a reason. I've seen that happen way too many times in my life. I can't beat myself up for anything that happened in the past and the future isn't here yet<--I'm still working on this y'all.
Leaning on My Own Tools
Because life is fucking absolutely life-ing, I made and printed out some sets of journal prompts and took one for myself. I even made them all cute with a binder ring so they'll stay attached and I can pull them out when I need them. I got a basic black journal to use for it as well. It has been therapuetic and it's nice to get back to writing like that. It also makes me think a bit deeper when I feel like I'm spiraling or letting the bad thoughts take hold. I plan to continue it, I know it will only bring healing, even if it get's rocky at some points.
I've also been 100% sticking my stickers to my computer, my phone, my notebooks. I'm going to make one for the journal prompt journal, so that will be fun as well! I'll post it to an Instagram story, I'm sure. HAHA. Right now I'm focusing on the little things that make me happy. You've got to see beauty in the small things. I also DO NOT care that I am almost 40 and still like stickers. Fight me. LOL
I've also been learning on affirmations. The personal ones I created for myself for 4 different things. Affirmations are what started my whole mental health journey around 5-6 years ago. I have an amazing friend, who helped me A LOT in the beginning of my journey and on things she used was positive affirmations and it was something that she passed along to me. and I'm so very grateful for them. Also, I think I'm gonna start writing those positive affirmations like the "lines" we had to do in high school. Fucking burn it into the brain! Woooooo!
This won't resolve my "ahhhhhh brain," but they make me happy and they're little joys in the day to day chaos.
The "Shift" in Progress
There's no dramatic realization that I've come to, it's just a day to day process for me at the moment.
I know that what I'm doing is what I can do. I've been searching for jobs and writing cover letters for every job that I've applied for in the last week. I've got a printed picture of a car, not extravagant, on my vision board along with a couple other things. For me, that's all I can do at the moment. Progress is progress.
I do know in my heart that it will not always be like this and that's a big thing for me to even say. Haha. Life is messy and maybe not as simple as maybe the times before us, There will be a way though. I do 100% believe that. I've got to.
I'm writing a blog post, which if y'all can see, it's been a minute, so that's one win right freaking there! I've got a special order that I need to print out and get ready for delivery in the next week. I've got a meeting with someone tomorrow to work on some things for her Twitch channel. Small steps lead to big victories. It won't be overnight and that's okay, I just need to remember that a bit more sometimes..
Progress, not purr-fection (imma cat lover so I love it this way!) Hahaha. Perfection will NEVER happen, so might as well navigate the chaos of life.
A Shared Experience
The mental load that is carried is not just a "me thing," it's "a lot of people's thing." We are all struggling. It's not just me, it's not just you. I know that we are all struggling in our own ways. YOU and I are not alone in this journey and we fucking got this.
Please try not to not get down on yourself (I will follow my advice as well...haha). You got this. We ALL got this! Sometimes we gotta internally re-calibrate so the external calibration can come to fruition.
I would love to hear from y'all! What's one small way you are leaning into your "shift" today, even if it's just a tiny flicker of hope?
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